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Saturday, February 08, 2003
Couldn't get to sleep last night. My stepbrother was playing music in his room so I put on a CD to drown it out. Same CD I had on last week while I napped all day, but it did shit for me this time. I lay there, waiting, trying to sleep, but my face was tense around my eyes, throbbing. I didn't want to be thinking, but I was, thinking about how I don't have the desire to write fanfic anymore even though I thought I would enjoy having all the extra time without Mike around. Remembered a few of my stories that I should finish. Couldn't make them go away and let me sleep.

Between 3 and 4 AM the CD ended. I put on another one, but that didn't help either. I was lying on top of my covers with the comforter folded over me and tried to move underneath them instead, but I haven't made my bed in about a week and all the sheets are pulled awry. Fell asleep, but woke up at 4:44 when my mom and stepdad were whistling for the dog. I was tangled in my sheets, all disoriented, and couldn't figure out why they were up at 4:44 calling for the dog, but then I realised it was a weekend and they'd probably just gotten home from their gig.

Must have fallen back to sleep afterward, because I dreamed. Steve was in the dream, and so was Emily, but she didn't look like IRL-Emily. I don't remember anything that happened, aside from us all sitting on a couch and text-messaging one another on cell phones.

Alarm clock went off at 6:00, 6:09, 6:18, 6:27, and 6:36 before I finally managed to get out of bed. Showered, grabbed some breakfast, and went to work. Came home.

I'm tired as fuck and I still can't sleep. I just tried to take a nap but couldn't, so now I'm up making some dinner. And blogging.

Friday, February 07, 2003
Out of curiosity (and a lack of desire to clean my room), I've been scouring the internet for, like, any sort of vaguevaguevague info I can find about this stuff I've been pondering. And I think I've found it. Been reading, staring at the computer for a couple of hours now. Starting to hate it. I'd rather be playing hockey, or even going to the grocery store or something. But not done reading.

*laughs* Damn the internet. Damn it to hell.

One more time around (might do it)
One more time around (might make it)

I can get through this. I know time is passing. No more feeling like I'm heading toward a dead end. And no more feeling like I'm only passing time until something happens. Things are ALWAYS happening.

Managed to snap out of heinous bitch mode. Some regular sleep and a little bit of assurance and I'm fine. I still feel kind of lonely, though. Sometimes I just want to sit and write bad angsty poetry. Need to buy a little notebook to keep in my smock at work.

Wondering whether I should make this blog public... I mean, I know it's right out there for anyone bored enough to try to come up with the URL, but I might actually put the link in my livejournal and forum signatures and stuff. But then I worry that I'll look stupid if someone reads this. It's where I put all the insecure shit that I don't want to spam my LJfriends' friends pages (if that makes sense) with by putting it in my LJ.

Maybe someday.