here is the light

anna - lj
janet - lj
lauren k
lauren t
lena - lj
nadine - lj
steve - lj


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Saturday, April 12, 2003
Yoinked from the LJ world:
I scored
on the classic 400 Point Purity Test!
Take the test here!

Friday, April 11, 2003
A while ago, in my livejournal, I mentioned a meeting about sexual harassment that all of the non-front-end people at Giant Eagle suddenly had to attend one day. This was about two months ago, so I didn't think much about it afterwards until today. I was at work, walking out of the bathroom and toward the time clock, and I heard Dave, another maintenance dude, talking to some stock guy about how he'd have to tell someone not to bother the girls up front. So I asked "tell who what?" And he says "oh, my 'sidekick' (with a roll of the eyes, referring to Josh, of course). He keeps annoying the cashiers and they don't like him." I told him "I finally told him the other day to stop bothering me."

Then Dave says "he writes them love letters... he left a note in someone's things and everyone back here got in trouble for it."

I went O.o -- "That was him?" And Dave said yeah, it was him. So I was about to ask whose stuff he'd put it in, since people were wondering, but then I figured I didn't need to know. I asked instead, "if it was him, how come he didn't get fired for it?" And Dave didn't know.

So I guess that's a bit more reason to be creeped out. Not enough to go to the HR manager with, but we'll see if he bothers me again. I'm gonna tell him I'm into girls, I think.

Moving on...

If I wake up at a decent time tomorrow, I'm going to the gym. Starting to get into the habit of going at least three times a week. I went after work on Wednesday and ran for nine minutes straight on the treadmill before I had to slow it down. I was proud of myself. Not seeing any results yet, but this evening I was trying on a bunch of skirts I found in my closet and I actually kind of thought I looked good. Is this a sign of my self-esteem coming back? ^_^

Money situation starting to look better. Took a look at some of the scholarship stuff on my Fastweb account this evening, and as soon as we get a new printer cartridge, I'm going to print out the info and start working on some of the essays and stuff. I have an appointment with the loan place on Tuesday the 15th so I can (hopefully) get money to pay back CSLRS. I got mail from Pitt telling me I have $300+ in Pell grant money for the summer term, which is a big help. And I'm going to try to make more Ebay auctions.

On a random note: my robe smells like vanilla Glade Plug-in air freshener. Evidently I haven't washed it since I moved back from the dorm. *shrug* Smells pretty.

That is all for now.

Tuesday, April 08, 2003
It doesn't end.

I'm at work today and Dodie goes to the receiving office to relieve Carla for a break. I'm all alone in the toothpaste aisle and Josh comes along. I make the mistake of acknowledging him.

He begins to blab and blah (in his mumbly, stuttery, unintelligible-ness) about wrestling and Dragonball Z and comic book conventions. I gather, from what I can decipher of his talk, that there's some comic book convention coming up this month at the Expo Mart. So I ask him if he's going to dress up as Vegeta when he goes. He laughs and says no. I ask if people dress up at these things, and he says sometimes they do.

Then, out of absolutely NOWHERE, he asks me if I'm asking because I want to go with him. Tell me, where the FUCK does he get an idea like that?! O.o;;; I tell him no. He quickly starts saying that he means "as friends, as buds" or something. I tell him not to talk to me. He's creepy enough. He's not really doing anything that would warrant a complaint to the HR manager, but he's just. fucking. CREEPY and I do not want to deal with him anymore.


It's fucking dark in the morning again. I hate it.

Monday, April 07, 2003
Changed the title and lyrics on my blog.

Weird moment earlier while Rose and I were making cookies. The TV was on. I don't know what it was, maybe a commercial for something, but someone said "are you ok?" and someone else replied "no." And it was like a flashback. I don't remember if those words were actually said, but that was the feeling. I shouldn't even think about it so far after the fact. I hadn't been. I wrote it down in my notebook to get it out of my head. Now all I can do is remember and feel bad and just hope that it doesn't happen again because I don't know what I'd do.

Help me.

I kind of freaked out again last night. It was two in the morning and everyone else in the house was asleep and I was sitting at the computer, chatting, and I realized once again how inferior I am to everyone else and I lost it.

I was in the AIM chat with Steve and Emily and Janet. We were talking about colleges and transfers and prices and suddenly it seemed like everyone was going to end up at SIU and pay less for it while I'd be paying more. And it would be so much easier for them to get there anyway. Emily's still a freshman, and Janet's not even in college yet. I'm practically a senior and, thus, fucked. It doesn't help that I'm going back to Pitt this fall. I'd rather be at SIU, based on what I know about it -- the setting, first and foremost. It's a hell of a lot more rural and less imposing than Pitt and Oakland. And then their creative writing program, which is what I'm switching my major to, is one of the best.

And I'm stuck at Pitt. I'm not sure it's even worth it for me to look into transferring at all, because I know that the longer I stay in Pittsburgh, the more afraid of change I'll become. I've registered for my fall classes already, and I want to take them, but I DO also want to go to SIU because of the creative writing program and I don't want to find out that I have a lot of credits that won't transfer and that I've wasted my time.

So I was looking at the Pitt housing site and the SIU housing site and the tuition rates for each school and eventually I found what I was looking for, and it looks like out-of-state SIU isn't really that much more than in-state Pitt. If a meal plan isn't mandatory for living in the dorms at SIU, it might actually be about a thousand dollars cheaper. But I don't know for sure, and I kept losing my internet connection so I couldn't keep looking up information.

And it's not like I have the money to go to school out-of-state anyway. I hardly even have enough to go to Pitt, and I'd lose a substantial amount of aid if I went out-of-state. My family doesn't have money, I don't make enough at Giant Eagle, and right now I owe $1300 to CSLRS because they want back half of what they awarded me for 2002-03 because I only went for one semester. I'm fucked.

I started getting kicked offline left and right, and I couldn't sign back onto AIM so I just said fuck it. Steve called, and I was sobbing over the phone, absolutely defeated. Talking about how if I killed myself it would get rid of financial burdens. But even that's not a feasible course of action. Told him that when I have kids I'm going to start putting money away for them to go to school so this kind of stuff never happens to them. Told him I thought I should be doing something -- making ebay auctions, filling out job applications, anything to make some more money. He told me it was three in the morning and that I should get some sleep, but sleep seems like a waste of time when there's so much that needs to be done. Ended up going to bed anyway.

Didn't sleep well. Dreamt that Steve came up to visit for Passover but my family didn't like him and things went badly.

Finally rolled out of bed and came back to life. Felt better as long as I didn't think about the financial end of things (but now that I'm typing this up I'm getting depressed again). Mollie came home from school and we went to the gym. Half an hour on the treadmill (11:40 mile), weight machines for arms, legs, back, then half an hour on the elliptical machine. At least I can feel good about myself, even if everything else happens to suck right now.

I think my next step for this blog will be to add some code for a title on my entries.

Had a weird dream the other night (well, night before last). I was in this room (not in the house that I mentioned before) and there were all these cabinets and drawers that my stepdad's father had labelled before he died. I don't remember what was written on the labels. In two corners of the room were toilets, randomly out in the open, and on the wall between them was a TV. I had the History Channel on in the background while I was wandering in and out of the room. It got later at night and my stepbrother came in and asked me, shocked, what I was watching, and I looked at the TV and saw that it had become some gay porn thing. And I was all disgusted too, but he was more disgusted because he ran over to one of the toilets that was randomly in the corner of the room and started vomiting. *blinkblink*

So next thing I know, in the dream, I'm at this Rudy's Subs place in Monroeville but it's all remodeled and open and windowy. And there's no more little side room. I don't think the place is open, but there are a few people milling around. Don't know why I was there, because I wasn't there very long, and then I remember being back at the house in this room where my stepbrother was playing with the computer. And the screensaver had this picture of my cat on it that would roar like a lion at random intervals. *shrugs*

Then Steve showed up in the dream. And my fucking alarm clock went off.

Worked yesterday... nothing too interesting there. Came home, made a cake because we had a mix and it was Dustin's birthday, and ended up online until the wee hours of the morning. Chatted with Steve and Nay and Lucy and the conversation turned to stuff that made me miss Steve. *sniffle* *sniffle, pout*

Today I went Goodwilling -- brought in a few bags of clothes (mine, not Mom's mending) and got a coupon for 10% off. So I looked around and found the Coolest Skirt Ever. It's black and it has big pleats in it and comes down a bit past my knees. I ♥ it. And I found a similar one in grey, but the material's lighter or something and it's a bit shorter. And I found this great t-shirt that says Canada and has a cartoon picture of 4 hockey players. It rocks. Pictures will follow once I find some way to keep the battery cover on my camera from moving around and losing contact.

I'm sure I have more to talk about, but I'm tired and can't think of anything else to say.