here is the light

anna - lj
janet - lj
lauren k
lauren t
lena - lj
nadine - lj
steve - lj


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Thursday, April 24, 2003
It's been brought to my attention that the trust stuff in my last entry could be misconstrued. Just to clarify, no sex was had.

Wednesday, April 23, 2003
Once in a while I'll have a day where it seems like everything's out to get me. Today was one of those days. I didn't get enough sleep last night, and when I did, I had another dream about fucking my ex-boyfriend and then us trying to figure out why we'd done it. So my day didn't start off on a very good note.

I get to work and I'm just blocking stuff on shelves all day, since that's all I do on Wednesdays. I block and I think. And sometimes I think too much. So I was thinking about the internet purity test and how I need to retake it since one of my answers has changed, and then I got to thinking about how Steve told me he'd scored lower than me. I'd asked him how (being a virgin & stuff) he could be less pure than I was and he said "probably because of the drinking and smoking" but part of my brain said "no, that wouldn't account for him being lower than you" and that he's probably got this whole other sordid life that he won't divulge to me. I kept having to tell myself that it's just a fucking internet quiz and it means nothing.

Got to thinking about trust, then, in the context of some other things. Rambled about it last night and really didn't make a point, possibly due to the fact that I was half-asleep and didn't know the point I was trying to make. But today, once I was awake, I was able to make things coherent and the bottom line is this: had I not trusted him as I did, that night would not have gone as it did... that is to say, I trusted him and that made it OK. But it's the fact that I did trust that scares me, because I generally don't trust people.

Realized that my job is just. so. fucking. pointless. I do nothing. I straighten items on shelves. I took a semester off from school to earn some money for an apartment and now I owe more than I'm making and I will never. ever. ever get a place of my own at this rate. My friends (online, of course, since I don't have any in real life) talk about these opportunities they have that I just never will. Getting a place? Nope. No money to do it. Going abroad to teach English? I wish I still had a chance at that, but the program is for grad students and the way things are going for me, I'll never get that far. I feel like the biggest fucking failure.

I can't even get sex. Instead, I guess I just dream about it. And apparently I'm so inept that I just can't make anything happen for myself, not even if I "accessorize," so to speak.

Skipping the gym today because my arms and chest are still sore from lifting weights on Monday... not even the good sore anymore, just a "come on, you should be fucking healed already" sore. Am becoming convinced I'll never get in shape.

I went to change my imood indicator and realized it was still on "defeated." No point in changing it.

Tuesday, April 22, 2003
Well, the Leafs just lost. I'm bummed. I guess I have to root for the Flyers now, since I will not stand for Fucking Ottawa getting anywhere near the Cup. >.<; And worse still, I seem to have developed a bit of a crush on Jeremy Roenick. >.<; >.<; It can't last long. It can't.

Go Blues and go Wild.

I took my sisters to get their hair cut today, and figured I'd get mine done too while I was there. I'd finally found a picture of what I wanted, so I brought that along, and the chick got it pretty close but I think it's a little bit long because it doesn't spike quite right. But here it is:

After haircuts, we wandered over to this lingerie store since Mollie's looking for a corset to wear under her prom dress. I'd never been in the place before (despite Mike's efforts to convince me, way back when) but it's pretty cool. There's some really cute stuff there and as soon as I have $15 to spend on a single pair of underwear, I'm going back to buy these really cool ones I saw. Mollie and Rose ran into their friend Brandy, whom I vaguely recognized -- she was a freshman when I was a senior, so I'd met her before. Rose and Brandy were talking while Mollie was trying on the corsets, and apparently they're really cool about doing fittings there, so I went into a changing room and had someone measure me (over my shirt) because I always hear that some large percentage of women wear the wrong size bra and I was curious as to whether I was. And according to this woman, I don't need to be in a 38D because my back's not that big, just my boobs, and she says I should be fine with a 34 or 36. WTF??? That's news. Oh well.

Suddenly remember that I have a jury duty summons somewhere in my room and I'm supposed to go sometime in early May and it would be really good if I could find the information. Oh crap oh crap oh crap.

Leafs won their game in OT and face the Flyers tomorrow night in game 7. GO LEAFS GO! I made a doll (remember those?) with that sentiment in mind:

And tomorrow Minnesota takes on the Avs in another Game-7-as-the-second-in-a-back-to-back. I'm gonna have to root for the Wild here. Blues and Canucks play also -- go Blues.

Sunday, April 20, 2003
My aunt and cousins left yesterday to go back to San Francisco. I got out of work early so I could see them a bit more before they went to the airport. The manager said it was cool because the order was done already, so I left at 12 instead of 3:30. And after they left I went home and watched a lot of hockey... Leafs lost (boo!) and Dallas beat Edmonton to win their series (score!). Got some stuff done around the house -- cleaned up in the bathroom a little bit, washed some towels, and tried to clean the kitchen (or at least the dishwasher). Sorted some old photos that I'd found in the basement. Found all these old pictures of my mom and stepdad's wedding, and we were all so young... Rose still had her purple glasses and I had really long hair and, like, no boobs. And Dustin looked so normal and not supergoffix. Crazy, lovely stuff. Maybe I'll scan some of the pictures.

I didn't get up until 12:30 today, and haven't done much besides eat, watch hockey, and nap. I did manage to hook up my camera and take a few pictures of myself (since I'm trying to get in shape, these will be the "before" pictures, and someday I hope to take some "after" ones), but that's about it. I've just been super-lethargic and not feeling like doing a lot. I hope I'm not getting sick.