here is the light

anna - lj
janet - lj
lauren k
lauren t
lena - lj
nadine - lj
steve - lj


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Saturday, July 26, 2003
Sometimes, in the dead of night, you hear people speaking. The words form sentences, the sentences take root in your head. Days go by and you think about what they said. You think until it doesn't seem real. They didn't say it. They couldn't have said it. You replied, but your words don't seem real either. You must have been sleeping. It had to be a dream.

Thursday, July 24, 2003
Oh, BTW... Nadine. Tara. Thank you.

I made him cry on the phone. (Swing, swing, swing.)

There's more to the AIM conversation with Nadine that might make its way up here eventually, but I'm not going to post it tonight. It's long and I need to get to bed since tomorrow's one of my long days.

Last night I said I was Kimber Benton, referencing an old Jem and the Holograms episode. Particularly, the phrase "You lied to me and you betrayed my trust in you," even though that was originally directed at Jerrica... Well, at any rate, I've changed my mind. Now it's my trust that's been betrayed, and it'll need to be rebuilt.

I honestly think, though, right now, that I can forgive this. I'll think about it, sleep on it, see how I feel tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 23, 2003
... and it gets interesting.

I'm just hanging out online when I get this message from Nadine, asking me if I'm still seeing Steve. Conversation is as follows:

(nadine): are you still seeing Steve?
(me): as far as I know. why?
(nadine): I was just wondering.
(me): okay...
(me): shouldn't I be?
(nadine): Haha. That wasn't what I was suggesting. ;-)
(me): *shrugs* it just seemed like a random question...
(nadine): If I ask you something, don't think I have an ulterior motive, because I don't. But: do you trust Steve?
(me): I like to think so, as much as I can trust anyone (which is still hard)
(me): is there a reason I shouldn't?
(nadine): Do you really love him?
(me): I don't know why you're asking...
(nadine): Just think about it.
(me): think about why you're asking, or whether I love him?
(nadine): think about whether you love him.
(me): and what if I say I do?
(me): all right. what's going on?

And then I get this from Tara:

(tara): Lena.. can I talk to you about something?
(me): sure
(tara): Um.. promise me not to be mad at me for not telling you sooner?
(me): well, I can't promise if I don't know what it is.
(me): But I'm assuming it's got something to do with why Nadine's suddenly asking me if I trust Steve
(tara): Well.. it's just that I didn't really mention yesterday exactly how flirty Steve was.. and I kept asking him if you'd be mad and he said no.. so I tried to let it go.. but a few times I thought he was going to try to kiss me or like wanted me to kiss him and that was just like really weird.. I am so not attracted to him and I didn't want to hurt you so I just kept getting out of it.. but he was just really flirty and we went to a movie and he was really cuddly and stuff and wouldn't like stop trying to hug on me no matter what I really did to try to show him that I didn't want him to cuddle on me.. he thanked me at the end of the night for letting him go home with a clean conscience.. but earlier on, I asked him what the look on his face was and he didn't answer and I said "It looked like a 'I want a kiss but I won't initate it' face" and he didn't say anything.. and I jokinly said "It's not like you'd pull away if I tried" and he said he wouldn't and stuff.
(me): argh. ok. what an ass.
(tara): But nothing really actually happened.. I wouldn't let it get that far but it was really odd and it kinda scared me.. I just didn't want to hurt you because it started out so innocent.. just like poking or tickling and goofing off but it turned into more serious stuff.
(me): uh huh...
(me): well, of course I'm gonna call him on this and see what he has to say...
(tara): so I was really kinda worried about telling you because I wasn't wanting to cause problems but I decided it was better to tell you.
(me): well, yeah.
(me): thanks for telling me
(me): heh, he told me I didn't need to worry.
(tara): I didn't think ya did till like the last 2 hours of the night.

Then Tara had to go because she was going to do birthday stuff with a friend, but Nadine had some more to say...

(me): all right. what's going on?
(nadine): I don't know how to explain.
(nadine): Basically I am sitting here and about twenty minutes ago it was confirmed to me that I'm an idiot for not telling you a lot of things and that Steve is still as much of a pig as he ever was. And I keep trying to convince myself not to tell you because it would be so much easier for me if I didn't and I don't want the trouble, but you deserve the truth.
(me): all right, do tell
(nadine): First things first, Tara told me that he tried to kiss her repeatedly. This is what gave me confirmation. And I know she's telling you this at the moment.
(me): yeah, she is
(me): but what else is there?
(nadine): A few things.
(me): like...?
(nadine): First of all, not long after you started seeing Steve I asked him to send me a screenshot of something so I could look at a layout on my computer from his res. He messed up and sent me a screenshot of him having cybersex with that Kristen girl, the one who gave him a blowjob shortly before you met him for the first time.
(me): *laughs* fucking cybersex.
(nadine): I blew up at him and he swore to me he was trying to extricate himself out of the situation with her.
(nadine): Next...
(me): and heh, he assured me "oh, she's engaged, she's just a friend..."
(nadine): The main thing is that... I was on the phone to him a few months ago, maybe like March, and he started masturbating.
(nadine): I was so shocked and it was so surreal I didn't hang up on him until I realised that he'd orgasmed... WHILE TALKING TO ME.
(me): heh.
(nadine): Then I proceeded to send him an email the next day telling him I was extremely pissed about the position he'd put me in and I wasn't willing to deceive you about it, etc. He assured me that "one day" he would tell you, and it would never happen again. But then he tried to convince me it was okay for us to talk about whatever we liked, because we couldn't talk without innuendo, etc.
(nadine): I felt like I had cheated on Jason somehow even though I hadn't done anything. I told Jason about it and he can't stand Steve now.
(me): heh, that's understandable. neither can I.
(nadine): A few days later he told me (when I'd forgiven him, supposedly), that he'd still love the opportunity to run off with me and have a dirty month, etc. It was then that I told him I was not going to go to Chicago because, even if some part of me was attracted to him (as well as repulsed, let me tell you), I was not going to risk him flirting or hitting on me because it would hurt you.
(nadine): I admit, at points I was very confused and he had me really convinced that my relationship with Jason would never work because he was "too nice" and not adventurous enough in bed, all sorts of stuff. But within about a week of him masturbating on the phone I stopped any kind of flirtation with him for good and since then I've been back and forth really angry with him, because he put me in such a crappy position, and because he made me doubt myself with Jase.
(me): I noticed he wasn't on your blog links anymore...
(nadine): Yes it takes two to tango and two to make war. And I'm sure from his standpoint I was continually being a temptation deliberately. I don't know how to defend myself against that except to say I probably did act as a temptation even though I didn't want to.
(nadine): Finally, Lindsay told me that he's flirted with Ally recently...
(nadine): like just sleazy comments, like telling her she's too hot to argue with, she's really cute, etc, and that Ally finds it really annoying and he keeps doing it.
(nadine): again he denied this to me when I started screaming at him about it (he came online at work and thus I confronted him), but since then I haven't talked to him, and when he's called me, I haven't called him back and I haven't picked up.

... there's more, and maybe I'll post it later, but right now I'm on the phone with him... we'll see where this goes.

Tonight, I am Kimber Benton. You* are Iced Earth lyrics.