here is the light

anna - lj
janet - lj
lauren k
lauren t
lena - lj
nadine - lj
steve - lj


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Wednesday, July 30, 2003
There is a dream in my brain that just won't go away. It's been stuck there since it came a few nights ago.
I think you're doing this on purpose.
I dreamt that you and I were walking through a deserted playground. It was part of a boarding school that was no longer used as such; there were no kids anymore and I think it was a school for adults now. It had been a Catholic school. While there were no crosses or Marys, I can picture girls in blue plaid skirts, white knee socks, uniform blazers.

It was late fall, turning into winter. The day was full of flat colour, dead browns and stone greys. I think it was evening, or maybe early morning. The sky was light, but the light was hazy, as though shielded by thin clouds.

It's not clear to me whether I saw you or you saw me, or if we'd walked in together. Your hair was black, shoulder-length. Soft. Shiny. You wore a long-sleeved black t-shirt. I don't remember if there was anything on it, but it would have been slashes of red and gold and brown. Fall colours. Shattered stained glass.

We walked together, talking, joking, jostling, flirting. I kissed you on the cheek. You pulled me close and kissed me back. Your lips were soft, full, hungry. Like you'd been waiting for this. We climbed an old wooden fort and sat on the top level. The wood was cool and unsanded, but smooth, like polished tree bark.

The dream changed and I was walking alone through a building. A cathedral. I was looking for you. You were sitting in some sort of auditorium, in the seat closest to the door. We looked at one another and I thought you looked afraid.

Monday, July 28, 2003
I'm truly cracking.

I've gotten so cryptic in my otherblog that I no longer understand what I meant five minutes ago.


I just found a big envelope from Pitt, addressed to me, sitting in a pile of mail I'd never seen before and don't know what day it was from. So I opened it up and inside was a letter telling me about my housing accomodation for the 2003-04 school year.


It's a triple, which doesn't seem quite as great as the suite I was hoping for, but it's in Sutherland, which seems a hell of a lot nicer than the Towers and, from the description, possibly better than the dorms in the quad.

So yeah. I'm excited. I really didn't think I'd get housing, since I suppose I'm technically a senior. But I did. *grin*

Sunday, July 27, 2003
Meg tells me Steve's lusting after Bridget. One more to add to the list, I guess. Meanwhile, he tells me, "there's only you." I don't know what to believe or what to think at this point, or why I care enough to be putting it in this blog. About to say fuck it and... I don't know.

Nah, I lied. I do know. I know damn well.

Want the rest of the Nadine conversation? I've snipped some parts to protect the innocent Steve, but this is most of the rest:

(nadine): if i wanted to blow things way out of hand, i could also mention that he has a fetish for BDSM.
(nadine): emily knows all this stuff, by the way. that's kind of why she thinks your relationship isn't going to work. because she knew he wasn't going to fully disclose his, er, appetites, and she and i both felt you weren't very compatible. it sort of seemed like he just wanted to be half of who he really is and not admit to the person he apparently loves that he wants to sleep with guys, that he wanted to have rough violent sex with me, that he and kristen beat each other up a fair bit for kinkiness, etc.
(nadine): i'm sure he could be a regular joe in the sack. it's just you never know what he's actually thinking about or whether he's secretly doing other shit.
(nadine): so how are you feeling now? are you still talking to him?
(me): yeah
(me): I made him cry.
(nadine): oh god. i did that a few times. once i made him break a chair. :-)
(me): heh.
(nadine): now: do you think you could still look him in the face without either vomiting or laughing?
(me): I think I could.
(me): I don't know if that's good or bad, at this point
(nadine): do you want to?
(me): well... I've apologised to him for springing everything on him like this. even though i've got every right to do it. i just feel bad.
(nadine): well he's the one who wanted to kiss tara in the first place. a seventeen year old for chrissakes.
(me): and part of me says that if he was here I could, like, comfort him or something.
(me): ha. yeah. she'd told me I didn't need to worry, that he was too old for her
(me): and I mentioned that to him and he said "yeah, she's young for me too"
(nadine): pity he didn't see it that way. =p
(nadine): just like... it's so seriously evil of him to keep wanting to kiss her like that. i'd fucking want to cut his nuts off if it was jason.
(me): yeah, that's what puts me between a rock and a hard place here.
(me): i mean, i thought i liked him, and i still think i could, but how do i know that this shit won't continue?
(nadine): do you think he's going to stop with the wandering eyes?
(me): I have no idea.
(nadine): how has he defended himself? (besides with tears, as you do. =p)
(me): "that was in the past," "i don't want to ruin things," "i get tempted," "I don't talk to people a lot, I'm sort of an attention whore that way"
(me): that sort of thing
(me): "there's nothing going on!"
(nadine): he flirted with me when he was with emily. he also dated pam behind emily's back. all online. he's just like this big online whore. he can't help himself. i honestly don't think i could meet him now and not think he was just this pathetic wanker.
(me): *nod* online whore.
(nadine): but yael found him creepy in person too. he wanted to kiss tara. and i don't think i could've met him without him hitting on me as well. he doesn't get many people being nice to him, and it seems like when they are, he just performs.
(nadine): i think if you were together regularly though, he would behave himself.
(nadine): it might be more a case of him needing attention constantly.
(me): yeah, I'm thinking the same thing
(nadine): think of it this way: you'll have him begging at your knees for at least the next six months. ;-)
(me): but he did say "it's been a long time since I've seen you, and longer since someone's flirted with me that's not you..."
(me): heh. =p
(nadine): erg. I don't know if I'd take it as very good of an excuse though... I mean, he did want this relationship, he knew it would entail distance, so he can't really excuse behaving like this. it's not like you do the same thing.
(me): "If I had kissed her," he says, "I would have hated myself for it."
(nadine): but why was he even drawn in the first place?!
(me): hell if I know.

So. Here we see that Steve's an online whore. Now, on the one hand, online relationships aren't REAL relationships, so I don't know if any of this ought to matter. On the other hand, whatever the hell this is that Steve and I have is mostly online and on the phone and we rarely see one another in person... still, I'd be pretty upset if he was having a "relationship," even an online one, with someone else. My line is blurring and I don't like it.

Also. I think maybe people assume that the BDSM stuff would freak me out and they feel the need to warn me... like I'm too "vanilla" for that, and that I ought to want him just to "be a regular joe in the sack." It's almost enough to piss me off, if that's the case... like they think they know me well enough to determine my sexual tastes? Um, no.

Conclusion, for now: If what these people say is true, then Steve seems to be talking out of both sides of his mouth and that doesn't fly. However, since I've apparently put my trust in the wrong places again, I'm extremely reluctant to believe anyone here. Here he is, telling me that he's mine and he wouldn't do anything with anyone else, but at the same time I'm hearing that he's still obsessed with Nadine, lusting after Bridget, and who knows who else. It makes my brain hurt.

And I don't know why Tara told Nadine what happened before telling me. It doesn't quite make sense.

Inspired by vaniityx over at Blurty...

I want...
I want more hours in my day.
I want to lose twenty pounds.
I want to be fearless on the ice, like the boys who go out there without padding.
I want Steve to stop pissing around if he wants me to trust him.
I want to be able to trust.
I want an apartment, but I'll settle for a dorm room.
I want to choose a major, once and for all.
I want to graduate next year.
I want to go to Japan to teach English for a year.
I want to take someone with me.
I want to be reassured.
I want a car speeding along twisting roads in smoky strawberry darkness.
I want cool air blowing on my face and arms, soft blue light from the stereo playing songs I've never heard but I fall in love with when I do.
I want just one night.
I want a more graceful goodbye.