Thursday, August 28, 2003
So why was I so thrilled about getting housing? In Sutherland? This private bathroom thing isn't really so great. The showers in the other buildings, the communal bathrooms, were actually better. I miss Ho-land.
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I went to an ice cream party at the University Hillel Center last night and it made me want to cry. I don't look like them. I don't feel Jewish. They all know each other and here I am with this part of me that's been gone for several years and I don't know how to get it back.
This semester can't end fast enough.
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
fitter. happier. more productive.
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... or something like that.
So I'm back at school. Living day to day, class to class, meal to meal, assignment to assignment. Moment to moment. Trying not to cry or wake up with this paralyzing feeling of emptiness. Failing, right now.
It's like I've gone in a big circle since I took a semester off. I've gotten nowhere. I still don't have a definite major, I still feel like I'm throwing money away by being here, and I don't know why I'm bothering with... anything, really. I just want to take my fiction class and not have to deal with trying to fill 5000 other requirements. The history class I was scheduled to take was cancelled, so I scheduled a different one. "Magic, Medicine, and Science." I was standing in the bookstore, looking at the $99 book for the course, and realized that this isn't even something that interests me much anymore. Maybe it would have been in junior high, maybe early high school, but not now. The interest in the occult, arcane, "magick," whatever... I'm starting to think it was Mike's and not mine.
I'm happy to hear that things seem to be going well for some friends, relationship-wise... but then I think about Steve and how, even though he swears he's mine, I don't know if I can believe him. I go back and forth between trust (which is wholly unfamiliar to me) and paranoia and I don't like it.
I've had a fucking cold for several days. Runny nose, sneezing, a cough that makes me sound like I'm trying to quit smoking (even though I don't). This is probably adding to everything I'm upset about and I wish I'd just get better already.