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Wednesday, September 17, 2003
She still shrinks into herself, at dinner with her roommates, trying not to take up space at the table. Maybe they won't mind her if she doesn't say anything, if she stays out of the way.

She doesn't fit in with them. Feels too old (in a pair of pyjama pants printed with white ghosts, twisting a crusty belly ring - she's outgrown the freak thing but can't give some things up). Too concerned with school, deciding on a major, graduating... someday.

Just get it done now, she'll plead. Don't drag this over another year, two, three more... fiction writing, lit lit lit, history (finally) and then what? More writing, more lit, and if she still can't make up her mind, more Japanese. It's endless.

I republished my entire blog. My archives work again. Love. ♥

cream cheese and lox... in sushi form.

Tonight was "Sushi with Jewshi" at the Hillel center. Roll your own sushi. Nori, rice, cucumber, avocado, carrots, pickled ginger... your sushi basics. And tuna.

And for the adventurous (or just bizarre) -- cream cheese and smoked salmon. Traditional Jewish sushi? *shrugs*

It was actually not that bad.

Had a better time there than I did at the ice cream party thing. I played a game of pool and I'm slowly getting better. I managed to sink a ball tonight. (Yes. I suck at pool. But in my defence, it was only the second time I've ever played.) Talked to some people. There was this guy who looked familiar and it turns out he used to live next door to my ex in the Towers... he and his friend seem like good, crazy people. And the girl in charge of activities kept telling me to come to this Rosh Chodesh group on Sunday but I don't think I'll be able to make it since that's radio training (w00t!).

So I sushied, came home and did some laundry, and then I hit the treadmill for an hour. 4.75 miles in 60 minutes... last night I did 4.47, so if I keep pushing myself just a little bit harder every night I should eventually be able to make 5 miles in under an hour.

Now I'm lightheaded, sweaty, chatting and blogging. Then tomorrow morning it's back to Hillel for what they call "Cafe Ivrit" -- free food and a chance to un-rust-ify my Hebrew. *grin*

Monday, September 15, 2003
if i ran into him right now i would punch him.

it was abuse.

every time i was stupid enough to let him inside me without a condom. every time he'd pull out and come right on the bedspread. every time he'd spit on me to make things wetter. because i could never say no. it was like... we'd done it before, so why should i suddenly tell him no?

i couldn't even fully enjoy the sex without a condom. not even while i was still on the pill. talk about trust issues...

so why am i crying over things that happened ages ago?

last week i made a passing comment to someone at a table at the volunteer fair. something about never being able to sign up and volunteer and do things before because i'd had this evil controlling boyfriend. and she said 'well you know, that's abuse.' and i guess i knew it, but i never let it cut me so deeply.

and now i'm sitting here at the computer because i can't sleep. i can't cry myself to sleep because i don't want to wake the roommates, even though i probably already am.

i just want it to be morning.

Sunday, September 14, 2003
i miss my guitar. =(

that is to say: there's so much i should be doing, that i used to do, that i wish i still did... but i don't.

i could play guitar again, but i broke my high e-string over a year ago and haven't bought one to replace it yet.

i could draw, but why? it's not like drawing ever got me anywhere. not since seventh grade, anyway, where i was that weird girl who drew little comics. not since high school art classes, where i had a reason to draw because i had to do six sketchbook assignments every six-week grading period. it was fun. it yielded such wonderful pieces as this, where darren mccarty's face didn't come out quite right, and this, which i wish i'd had more time to finish.

i don't know where i'm going with this. rambling. my roommates are watching a movie because we have a tv and vcr now and all i want to do is be somewhere else.

housing issues...

So I'm living in this triple. My roommates go to sleep at 10 PM, and I'm up considerably later - I'm a night owl, and besides, I have papers to write. This involves me being on my computer, with the light on, sometimes into the wee hours of the morning.

My roommates, understandably, have a bit of a problem with this. They have early classes and would like to get undisturbed sleep, but I've got schoolwork to do and it's rather important that I get it done. I'm not going out of my way to bother them, but the light and the sound of my keyboard are enough to keep them from sleeping well.

I foresee problems. If things are getting bad only three weeks into the semester, it'll only get worse as time goes on and I have more papers to write. So I talked to the RA on my floor and got a Room Change Request form, but she said she's not sure whether they'd move me based simply on schedule differences.

Now, here's the thing - the housing office messed up. On the housing application, there's a question that asks whether you object to roommate activity after midnight. I checked no because I knew I'd be the type of roommate who'd be active after midnight. And you'd think, logically, that the people in the housing office would try to match me with other people who marked the same thing. BUT, here I am with two girls who go to bed WAY too early for this to work.

On top of this, I was told that I'd be matched with upperclassmen. After I'd mailed my application in the summer, I received a letter from the housing office telling me that I had a financial hold on my account (due to late fees), that they were unable to process my application as long as there was a hold, and that I should call to notify them when the hold was removed. I paid the late fees and called the housing office to tell them that the hold was gone, and the guy in the office was clueless - "What is it that I'm supposed to do now?" I told him "I don't know, I have this letter that says to call and let you know I've had the hold removed." He says he'll check the computer, and tells me "yes, you've been assigned housing, the letter should go out soon, and you're an upperclassman so you're matched with upperclassmen."

I'm not. My roommates are a freshman and a transfer student. I was misinformed. The housing office is at fault.

Now, it happens that this girl from a theater group I'm in needs another roommate to move into her apartment since someone moved out. I've emailed her about it and worked out the figures - twelve months of rent for the apartment is less expensive than two semesters in the dorm. The only problem here is that the cost of the dorm room is already being paid for as part of my Pitt bills (and they'd try to charge me more for getting out of the housing contract), whereas, with the apartment, I'd have to come up with rent money every month.

If everything looks good for me getting the apartment, then I'm going to look into making the housing office refund my housing money. After all, my family does not have thousands of dollars to pay for me to live on campus if I'm going to get dicked around - if I'm going to stay on campus, I'll demand, if I have to, that they move me into a different dorm room. Either/or. Either give me my money back or switch me to a different room, but I absolutely CANNOT stay where I am.